Duke Archibald Saves France

Dear Duke, tell us about the time when you saved the court of France by doing your laundry.

Well, *ahem*, a most exquisite tale, that is. As you may know the French are most famous for being across the English Channel. The English Channel, as you may also know, is **called** the English Channel because the French are across it.

One day, as I was celebrating my annual laundry day (4th Sept), I heard that the court of France was convening to discuss about Frenchy things that the French do while Francing about. Little did I know that the French were in fact, plotting and scheming (as the French are wont to do) to rename the English Channel to the French Underground Channel Krossing System!

Being oblivious to the true purpose of the FUCKS meeting, I loaded all of my laundry into my swimming pool. I turned on the tap, and lo and behold! Water flowed through. But this water was of a most peculiar quality! It smelled of garlic, which naturally led me to think that it smelled of the French! I felt in my gut that there was trouble brewing in the FUCKS committee meeting and sent my homing pigeon to investigate.

30 seconds later, my pigeon informed me that the FUCKS court was drowning in their own water! Oh, the sympathy that I felt at that time was overwhelming! The pigeon told me that there was no way to save the FUCKS court and that I should leave them to die. No way! I told the pigeon. Then I remembered that my swimming pool was directly connected to the French Court! (after all, that’s where I source the finest Evian water for my swimming, laundering and pissing.

I turned on my tap to the utmost MAXIMUM and let the water rush out. My pigeon flew back to France that very second and later informed me that I had saved the FUCKS court of France by draining the water they were drowning in through the English Channel and filled my swimming pool with the finest French fluids. Naturally, the FUCKS committee were ignorant that I was their saviour, those bastards. No matter, my wastewater now travels to France, being the very source of water of Mount Evian, which I have stopped drinking since the incident.

Duke Archibald the II, Warden of the Privy, Guardian of the Reservoir, and Protector of the National Flush

tHoR: The Barbarian

“Would you mind telling us a little about what you do?”
“I IS BARBARIAN AND I IS HITTING ENEMY ON THEIR HEADS WITH ME SPIKY HAMMER.”
“Yes, that much is obvious. May I know who are these ’enemies’ that you hit with your spiky hammer?”
“I IS HIT BAD GUYS. I IS HIT PEOPLE WHO HIT OTHER PEOPLE.”
“So, what you’re saying is, people who hit other people are bad guys? How about yourself then? I mean, you do hit other people.”
“ME HEAD IS HURTING EVEN IT IS NOT HIT. I IS THINKING LITTLE MAN THINKING ME IS A BAD GUY?”
“No, no. I was just jesting with you. Don’t worry about it. Hahaha… Oops.”
“YOU IS HITTING ME.”

tHoR: Poker Face

“Tell me, how do you punish evil? I presume some cards are involved? Your name is Poker Face, after all.”
“Well, yeah. Cards are definitely involved.”
“What do you do, toss cards at evil like some cardboard ninja?”
“Naw, nothing that fancy. Want to know what I do? I’ll tell you.”
“Go ahead.”
“First, I deal my enemy five cards. Then I ’deal’ with him depending on what he gets.”
“Can you give some examples?”
“Its simple, really. If he gets a one-of-a-kind, you know, all cards are not linked pokerly, I kill him in one strike. If two-of-a-kind, then two strikes and so on.”
“I see. What about the… other combinations of cards?”
“Well, I am a literal man. If he gets a straight, I tie him to a car and drag him down the highway. If he gets a royal flush, I scalp him and flush his head down the toilet. If he gets a full house, I pour water into his mouth until he drowns.”
“…”
“Would you like to try a hand?”

tHoR: CSMG

“Hi there. Please introduce yourself.”
“I go by the designation ChainSawMcGee, but you can call me CSMG.”
“I assume you use chainsaws?”
“Obviously. I use dual chainsaws to rattle my victims. They are usually quite shaken when I’m done. They they just stay quiet. Forever.”
“Do you cut them into pieces?”
“No, that is what serial killers do. I’m no serial killer. I just shake, rattle and roll my victims until they stop screaming. But I try my best to keep their limbs intact. I cannot say the same about their flesh, though.”
“So you do not cut the bones, then.”
“I try my very best not to.”

tHoR: nobody

“Moving on, what is your name?”
“I am nobody and you will forget that I was ever here.”

tHoR: Black Jack

“Your name is Black Jack, is it not?”
“Yes, yes it is.”
“What are your weapons?”
“I have a club, and a spade, and a diamond spoon.”
“What is the spoon for?”
“Why, to gain access to the heart, of course. I scoop my way into the hearts of my victims. They love me, they have to. They have no choice.”
“I see.”
“I get them to dig their own graves with the spade. Then, I use the club to knock them unconscious and use the spoon to scoop out their hearts. They’re usually quite breathless when I’m done. I keep their hearts.”
“I do not want to know what you do with the hearts.”
“I eat them. They make really hearty meals.”

tHoR: The WHITE KNIGHT

“And you are?”
“I AM THE WHITE KNIGHT. I SEEK TO DEFEAT EVIL AND PROTECT THE INNOCENT.”
“What are your weapons?”
“I HAVE A SHIELD.”
“Yes, to protect the innocent?”
“NO, TO BASH IN THE SKULL OF EVIL WHEN I HAVE PULLED HIM IN WITH THIS MEAT HOOK.”
“Why, that is a nasty meat hook.”
“IT IS THE MEAT HOOK OF JUSTICE. IT LATCHES ONTO THE VICTIM AND WILL NEVER LET GO UNTIL IT HAS BEEN SERVED.”
“You mean justice, right?”
“OF COURSE I DO.”

The Heroes of Rectitude

“Hello, everybody. Welcome. Let us begin.”
“I am Dr. Darwin and I would like to begin.”
“And what is your purpose, Dr. Darwin?”
“I am Dr. Darwin and I seek to cleanse the world of evil genes.”
“Evil genes?”
“Yes, I am Dr. Darwin and I remove the weak links of humanity.”
“How do you do that?”
“I am Dr. Darwin and I invented the Gene Extractor(™) and Gene Instiller(™). I am Dr. Darwin and I use my tools to remove the evil genes and replace these with good genes.”
“Wouldn’t that kill the person?”
“I am Dr. Darwin and I improve my inventions with every failed experiment. I am Dr. Darwin and I am sorry to say that I have not succeeded in replacing evil with good… yet. I am Dr. Darwin and every victim brings me closer to creating the utopia that Mr. More envisioned.
“Yes, right. Let us move on.”